Apology and Permission

The following hit my inbox from the free DailyOm yesterday. The content is interesting given a discussion I had yesterday with one of my colleagues at work.

The Feeling Underneath: Compulsive Apologies

Many people suffer with the tendency to apologize all the time, chronically, for everything. On the one hand, apologizing is a social convention that keeps interactions between people polite, and in that way it can be very helpful. On the other hand, if we find ourselves apologizing for everything, it might be time to look at why we feel compelled to say "Im sorry" so often. Ultimately, saying you’re sorry is saying that you are responsible for something that has gone wrong in the situation. Whether its negotiating a parking spot, moving through the aisles of the supermarket, or reaching for what you want, there are times when sorry is the right thing to say. But there are other times when "excuse me" is more accurate.

Sometimes saying you’re sorry is like saying that the other person in the equation has more of a right to be here than you do. Of course, it is true that using the word sorry can simply be an innocuous way of defusing tension. However, if you find that you say sorry all the time, you might want to look a little deeper and see where in your psyche that might be coming from. If it is a pattern, breaking it may simply take some awareness and practice.

The first step is observing yourself each time you say it, without being hard on yourself about it. Throughout your day simply notice when you apologize. At first, you might be surprised to see that you do it even more than you first realized. After a day or two of simply observing, try to tune in to what it is you are feeling right before you say it. You might be feeling threatened, embarrassed, intensely anxious, or a variety of other feelings. Over time, try to stop yourself before the words come out and just be with the feeling that is there.

How often as leaders do we or do we witness people saying sorry rather than addressing the problem at hand? I am going to start keeping a mental note of the times I hear the ‘sorry’ word (in an avoidance framework) in my business life over the next couple weeks.

This also led to a discussion yesterday in one of my mentoring sessions on the topic of; when managers ask for feedback when really what the ‘manager’ is asking for is permission from the employees to implement a change. Where do you draw the line in your attempt to have everyone ‘like’ you rather than having the courage to say; this is what we are doing and why?

The behaviour I refer to is often typical behaviour with new ‘leaders/managers’ who lack confidence when dealing with strong willed difficult people. In my experience the behaviour is more entrenched when there is a lack of senior management support and / or robust change management disciplines and skills. I would be interested in the views of people here.

Have you experienced this behaviour and if yes what have you done to help shift this behavioural pattern?